Prompt 115: You Awake in Your Childhood bed. You just had a nightmare. What did you dream about?
I have generally had a hard time dealing with abstract thoughts. I deal much better in reality. The second of my four divorce attorneys told me I was living a nightmare.
Little did he know how much worse it could get. At the time I lost him I still had custody of my children. Losing them was devastating. I often have dreams about my in-laws. They have destroyed me. Life could certainly become much worse than it is now. I feel like I am living a nightmare.
In many ways, my life is a nightmare. It’s hard to imagine waking up in my childhood bed and it being a nightmare. If we are only talking in terms of the bed specifically I would not want to wake in my childhood bed versus the bed I sleep in now.
I presently sleep in a queen size bed. My childhood bed was a trundle twin bed. Other than my last year of college I slept in a twin bed until I was 29. I can’t imagine having to go back to sleeping in a twin bed.
I was a very heavy sleeper as a child. I can’t visualize nightmares that I had. I remember one storm we had. My bedroom overlooked the patio in the backyard. I looked out in the morning after sleeping through the night and all the patio furniture was strewn all over the place. It’s amazing I did not wake up.
Things that would have kept me up at night as a child was anything that involved being assertive. Stepping out of my comfort zone heightens my anxiety. That remains true today.
Although I had a good childhood a lot of my thoughts from then have faded. I can remember being teased often by schoolmates.
I was told my epidermis is showing, pushed to do things I that made me look and feel foolish and generally felt like an outsider. Having to wake up in my childhood bed and going through that would ultimately be what would cause a nightmare in my childhood bed.
There are some events from my childhood I would love to relive. On the whole, I don’t want to go back there.
One of the biggest things I am proud of is going rappelling off a 100-foot cliff in Israel. It was totally out of character. I was then and still am afraid of heights.
Prompt 113: Write the jacket copy (brief cover description) for your memoir. I specifically bought 642 Things to Write about Me with a memoir in Mind. The exercises regarding memoirs I have either written already or thought about them extensively.
I specifically bought 642 Things to Write about Me with a memoir in Mind. The exercises regarding memoirs I have either written already or thought about them extensively.
I have written three chapters of a memoir thus far. I have published a synopsis of what my life has been like and partially how I got to where I am now on the website Wattpad. The title of my memoir would be Paralyzed.
That describes the paralysis that my ex-has and what having anxiety does to me. I often feel paralyzed in my thought and actions. Almost frozen and frequently numb.
The summary I wrote for my memoir on Wattpad is:
“My life the last seven (now eight) years have been almost too dramatic to be believed. It began on Father’s day 2009 when we brought our second child and oldest daughter home from the hospital. The following Mother’s day we were back having twins. Fifteen months later my wife became a quadriplegic. She filed for divorce 11 months after that. In May 2015 she gained custody of our four children.
Things were not always easy in our marriage. We had two families for the most part that didn’t like each other. We both came from big families. There were people who were very controlling on both sides.
All I ever wanted from her was for our family to matter the most. When we would fight she would almost always say my family, your family. I responded all I cared about was our family.
I went to see her at the hospital six to seven days per week at the hospital for months. I thought by doing that and being there for her I could show her how much I really loved her.
It never seemed to matter. Her friends and family of origin seemed to matter more. She often crushed my dreams on a daily basis.
More of the jacket copy will someday potentially include how controlling her sister was. Certain things that were said to me by my ex, her family, and my family.
There are many complicated layers to the story. A publishing company may or may not want to include that. It’s a story that needs to be told. Divorce is a devastating thing that tears families apart.
Sadly the family we created was being torn apart long before the divorce.
The biggest letdown I cannot let go of is my the battles in my divorce. It’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.
The biggest letdown I cannot let go of is my the battles in my divorce. It’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.
Nearly six years ago, my ex-wife became paralyzed from an illness. Eleven months later she filed for divorce. Nearly three years after that she got custody of our children. About two more years and the judge awarded her my house I bought when we were legally separated. At the time I had custody of our children.
In the nearly four years from the time of her illness her family got power of attorney over her, worked with her to file for divorce, got custody of the children and now my house. I am beyond devastated. Having my own house was the last thing I had of comfort.
Being at home has provided me more than shelter. It’s a place I can call my own. I love my neighborhood, town and the deck I have in the backyard. I have sat outside often this summer to write. On a beautiful summer day, it’s really nice to be able to do that.
I wrote earlier this week on my other personal blog about being numb. Her family, specifically her sister and brother-in-law seemingly won’t stop until they get everything and I am destroyed.
I do not know where I will live. No one in my ex’s family has even stepped foot in my house much less lived her. It’s hard to understand what the judge and the court system are thinking. Those close to me feel the same. The one word I have frequently used throughout the divorce process is illogical. That applies to many if not most divorce cases.
I have lost everything important to me. I don’t know what I will do next. I currently work part time in two jobs. I do courier work and always am looking for more clients. I also am a blogger.
I’ve thought about where my life will lead me next. I have never been comfortable in my own shoes. My lack of self-esteem likely hurt my marriage. I have been able to accept the end of the relationship. Everything else involving the divorce has crushed my mental health.
Losing my children and now my house makes me shake my head. I am just not sure where, when, what and how my life will hold next. It astonishes me how many divorces are more about vengeance than what’s best for the children and/or just moving on and being able to begin the next phase of your life.
Prompt 106: That time you were bullied nearly to your breaking point. What did you do? What didn’t you do?
The time I was bullied to my breaking point was my divorce.
My ex had $13 million reasons to win the divorce. She has substantially more than I do. She used her finances to destroy me nearly every step of the way.
After I received physically custody five months into her filing for divorce she switched attorneys. My attorney at the time had been doing a good job externally but did not treat me with respect.
She often called me names. She told me I was stupid, that I didn’t know what I was doing because I didn’t have a law degree and would often tell me how to parent.
In many ways, I felt bullied by her. About three weeks after my ex hired a new attorney I did the same. The new attorney was nearly completely the opposite. He was kind and respectful by often seemed intimidated by my ex’s new attorney.
Her new attorney was a shark and did whatever she could to get an advantage. One of my sons twice came home from a visit with his mom with bruises up and down his body.
We proved it to the children’s attorney about when the bruises happened. They lied about what happened and when. Nothing was ever done about it.
Throughout the course of the divorce process, they lied and made things up about my family and things that were going on with the kids. The opposing attorney had absolutely no ethics. Her style was to bully her opponent and it worked.
The judge believed everything they said. Everywhere I went, everything I did or said was used against me. The judge looked at the case as everything I did as negative and everything or someone acting for her did as positive.
Never in my life have I been made to look more ineffective than I was in this case, literally and figuratively. The case was never even. The judge that ruled her way came after new attorneys were hired. After the new judge was appointed I was constantly bullied and my attorney did little to stop it.
When he did try he lost every time.
The time I was ashamed of myself was when I was arrested for trying to reason with a utility worker who came to my house.
One of our utilities was turned off. I thought my then wife had paid the bill and she thought I did. A woman came to our house to reinstate the utility. When she went to turn it back on, she said she was unable to do so.
I tried to reason with the woman. I closed the door to my house and asked the woman can’t we work this out. She called her dispatcher. I immediately opened the door and let her out.
I said some things I now regret. After calling her dispatcher, the police were notified. They came to my house and I was charged with keeping the woman against her will. The entire thing was 30 seconds.
It is something that changed the course of my life. My eventual conviction has kept me from finding work, played a major role in the end of my marriage and likely cost me custody of my children.
One 30 second mistake has influenced the remainder of my life. We all have things in our life we are embarrassed or ashamed of. Many or most don’t have to have it have a major impact on the rest of their life going forward.
I wish potential employers, romantic interests, and the court could look past my mistake. I regret it tremendously. I did not hurt anyone. I hope if someone commits the same mistake in the future they will not be judged as harshly as I was.
We often judge people based on a piece of paper. One action in our life should not define us as a person. We should be judged by the entire sum of our actions throughout our lifetime.
I hope that in the future this will be the case.
I tend to be a very reflective person that is often full of regret.
Having gone through a vicious divorce I could say I regret the relationship. What I truly wish I could do over wa how the relationship evolved.
I’ve frequently discussed my dream of getting married, having children and raising a family together. All those dreams were realized.
What we didn’t no how to do was co-exist in a relationship. Having a do-over and truly lending what made each other happy to thrive in our marriage is something I think about almost everyday. Our children have spent a good portion of their lives going through hell.
Both families were far too involved in our marriage. I begged her to move to another state. It would preferably been Florida or Arizona. We had family and friends in each state. My do-over would be to go some place to live and focus on the family we created.
It never seemed to be about that though. She said she couldn’t do that to her sister, mother and friends. Like in that order. Sadly it felt like being married to dozens of people and lot just one. I would have done more to make her happy an try and put her first. Hopefully that would have made our relationship better.
My second do over would be when I volunteered at the World Cup soccer in 1994. I was fortunate enough to volunteer on the field for the opening ceremonies and first game.
I worked in the office for two months prior to everything opening up. I was asked to be the volunteer coordinator. I was nervous I’d screw up and never get another chance at something like that.
In reality the opposite happened. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity succeed or fail. Had I done well my entire career and subsequently my life might have gone in another direction.
As it was I had a great experience, but nothing that led to anything that gave me opportunities I hoped to get as a result of volunteering.
My final do-over would be when I got in some trouble over a quarrel with a utility worker. I said something I regret did something I should not have done that will impact me the rest of my life.
It did not involve any physical harm but it is not something I am proud of. I feel very misinderood over what happens and wish I could change my actions. It’s something that will always follow me and not something I can presently change.
I used to hate people and consider people enemies who didn’t treat me right or would hinder my ability to have the things in life that I wanted or were important to me. I have learned to dislikes people’s actions instead of the entire person.
Going through a lot of adversity maybe even what some would consider hell has hanged my perspective on life. There are always going to be people out there who do not like you. Some might even go to the extreme of doing what they can to hinder you from having any success of happiness in life. Some people might consider those people to be enemies. Is it worth the time to dwell on that?
Sadly having been through a vicious divorce and custody battle I have seen the ugly side of many people. Seeing people that once loved each other and grew to have a strong dislike or hatred is heartbreaking.
I’ve heard many stories of spite, vindictiveness, pettiness and flat out lying in custody battles and divorces so that people are able to get what they want.
When children are involved it’s soul crushing. Neither side is truly winning if decisions are made that hurt children. Do enemies really matter at that point.
Our country seems to be heading in this direction. Screwing our enemies seems to be more important than the common good.
Politics have become far more partisan than doing the right thing. People don’t cooperate across the aisle anymore. Voting is more on party lines seemingly than ever before.
I’ve had to learn the hard way it’s more important to focus on what’s good than to self define who I might consider my enemies to be. The old adage is poltics makes strange bedfellows.
This is often true in reverse in divorce. People who were once loved and hopefully best friends become adversaries and some would say enemies.
I don’t like to look at things that way. Sometimes someone who might have been an adversary or if we must say enemy in the past could become and ally and vice versa.
What’s always best is to keep an open mind. Hate the act but not the person and try to examine what’s best for eye greater good relative to the situation at the time and in the long run.
Instead of determining who the enemy is, look at the situation and how everyone can benefit for s compromise.