Prompt 108: What’s the Biggest Letdown you can’t let go of?

The biggest letdown I cannot let go of is my the battles in my divorce. It’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.

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The biggest letdown I cannot let go of is my the battles in my divorce. It’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.

Nearly six years ago, my ex-wife became paralyzed from an illness. Eleven months later she filed for divorce. Nearly three years after that she got custody of our children. About two more years and the judge awarded her my house I bought when we were legally separated. At the time I had custody of our children.

In the nearly four years from the time of her illness her family got power of attorney over her, worked with her to file for divorce, got custody of the children and now my house. I am beyond devastated. Having my own house was the last thing I had of comfort.

Being at home has provided me more than shelter. It’s a place I can call my own. I love my neighborhood, town and the deck I have in the backyard. I have sat outside often this summer to write. On a beautiful summer day, it’s really nice to be able to do that.

I wrote earlier this week on my other personal blog about being numb. Her family, specifically her sister and brother-in-law seemingly won’t stop until they get everything and I am destroyed.

I do not know where I will live. No one in my ex’s family has even stepped foot in my house much less lived her. It’s hard to understand what the judge and the court system are thinking. Those close to me feel the same. The one word I have frequently used throughout the divorce process is illogical. That applies to many if not most divorce cases.

I have lost everything important to me. I don’t know what I will do next. I currently work part time in two jobs. I do courier work and always am looking for more clients. I also am a blogger.

I’ve thought about where my life will lead me next. I have never been comfortable in my own shoes. My lack of self-esteem likely hurt my marriage. I have been able to accept the end of the relationship. Everything else involving the divorce has crushed my mental health.

Losing my children and now my house makes me shake my head. I am just not sure where, when, what and how my life will hold next. It astonishes me how many divorces are more about vengeance than what’s best for the children and/or just moving on and being able to begin the next phase of your life.

 

Prompt 105: A time you’ve been ashamed of yourself

The time I was ashamed of myself was when I was arrested for trying to reason with a utility worker who came to my house.

One of our utilities was turned off. I thought my then wife had paid the bill and she thought I did. A woman came to our house to reinstate the utility. When she went to turn it back on, she said she was unable to do so.

I tried to reason with the woman. I closed the door to my house and asked the woman can’t we work this out. She called her dispatcher. I immediately opened the door and let her out.

I said some things I now regret. After calling her dispatcher, the police were notified. They came to my house and I was charged with keeping the woman against her will. The entire thing was 30 seconds.

It is something that changed the course of my life. My eventual conviction has kept me from finding work, played a major role in the end of my marriage and likely cost me custody of my children.

One 30 second mistake has influenced the remainder of my life. We all have things in our life we are embarrassed or ashamed of. Many or most don’t have to have it have a major impact on the rest of their life going forward.

I wish potential employers, romantic interests, and the court could look past my mistake. I regret it tremendously. I did not hurt anyone. I hope if someone commits the same mistake in the future they will not be judged as harshly as I was.

We often judge people based on a piece of paper. One action in our life should not define us as a person. We should be judged by the entire sum of our actions throughout our lifetime.

I hope that in the future this will be the case.

Prompt 103: Describe what you sound like when you’re angry. Take the perspective of someone in earshot behind a closed door, listening .

Prompt 103: Describe what you sound like when you’re angry. Take the perspective of someone in earshot behind a closed door, listening .

What I sound like when I am angry would be a very subjective answer. I have evolved in my ability to control my anger.

Like anyone that has been through a divorce many things about my personality were exaggerated. One of those things was my temper and impulsivity. The hell my divorce put me through mellowed me out in many ways.

The biggest thing I do when I get angry or passionate about anything, in general, is to raise my voice. With ADHD I often get so passionate and wrapped up in making my point I subconsciously tune out what the other person is saying.

What also would have come through in the past was my intention and need to be right. I focused very intently on the principle of everything. Standing on principal is what was important to me. I didn’t look enough at what the person I was arguing with was thinking.

Whoever was in theory behind the closed-door within earshot listening to the argument should have been able to discern that from the argument. I would speak about what was the cool thing, the right thing or what I perceived that I or whoever was on my side of the argument to be treated fairly as the important thing.

I have had to learn the hard way that it is much better to be able to discuss things civilly more than arguing. So many friends and colleagues of mine have had to deal with awful divorces that many of us are numb to arguing.

What should come out of someone who would listen to my arguments that while I might have been angry it is because I am passionate and feels things deeply. I want those close to me to do things the right way. I used to care far too much about what others think.

We all need to do a better job of understanding each other. This has spilled over to the way that arguments are conducted on social media. If we learn how to better debate and not argue, a lot more would get accomplished in the world.

Prompt 99: What you know of your family’s history all told, is it a gift to you or a curse? Defend your arguments.

Prompt 99: What you know of your family’s history all told, is it a gift to you or a curse? Defend your arguments.

Beyond my Grandparents, I do not know much about my family’s history. Living in my father’s shadow has been a gift and a curse.

My father has been successful throughout his life. He is a highly accomplished athlete and was very successful for over 30 years in finance.

My mother always said that he did everything he could to shield us from competition. It was still difficult growing wanting to be as successful as he was. I wanted to reach the things he did or at least the goals I had set for myself.

My parents have been married for 52 years. I have dreamt almost my entire life of getting married and raising a family with a woman I could be close with. Someone to share ideals, ethics, a mutual physical and emotional relationship.,

I knew from a young age what I wanted to do for a career. My career never materialized. My father wanted me to go into finance like he did. One of my brothers did and is doing very well. I tried but it felt like I did have the right mind for it.

Although my father did what he could to steer us away from certain things, he is also very judgemental. He has certain ideas about how people should live life. He often does not understand people who are not like him.

He is extroverted, assertive and athletic. Anyone that is more introverted, not as athletic and that might struggle with physical or mental impairments he doesn’t seem to relate to.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia at a fairly young age. I learned I had ADHD soon after finishing college and anxiety and depression much later. My father would call me sweetness growing up in a sarcastic nod to my fluctuating moods. My mother would call me a martyr or tell me I was saying woe as me. In actuality, it was me dealing with my depression and anxiety.

Almost everything in life internally has been difficult for me. I have struggled with the issues mentioned above. Those have hindered me in almost every way. I have struggled with work and relationships.

I have held three or four jobs for two years or more since being finished with college. Others ones have often not worked out. Dating is a frequent struggled. My marriage was a constant battle.

Dating is a frequent struggle. My marriage was a constant battle. We dated for two years before getting married. We were married nine and a half years when she filed for divorce. The longest relationship I was in other than with her was two and half months.

Since she filed for separation nearly five years ago the most I have been out with one woman was four times in a three-month span.

My entire family beyond my father and siblings are high achievers. It feels like I have to expend a lot of energy just to get through a day. My sister told me that everyone goes through depression and I just have to get through it.

On the whole, because of my family’s lack of understanding me and their level of achievement versus my lack of it, my family’s history and success are more of a curse than a gift.

 

 

Prompt 98: You’re a critic, reviewing the movie of your life. Write a thumbs up review, now write a thumbs down one.

Prompt 98: You’re a critic, reviewing the movie of your life. Write a thumbs up review, now write a thumbs down one.

My life lends perfect to a thumbs up and thumbs down reviews. My life had been a constant of good and not getting to where I would like to be.

The story is one that most people should be able to relate to. The main character is one that has had up and downs in life. We follow the main character from his upper middle-class upbringing through the loss of his children in a bitter custody battle.

The story is depicted with heart and portrays the main character with a sense of realism. We see both his good traits, his flaws and the struggles and triumphs he has throughout his life.

He dreams of finding love and raising a family in addition to becoming successful. The story does a good job of examining success and how that is defined. We take a journey with a character that has a good life from the outside but has dealt with an internal struggle throughout his life.

We see the character as human and someone who has dealt with many of the same issues that we all struggle with every day. Battling depression, ADHD, anxiety and successes, and failures in life the main character is never quite comfortable in his own skin.

We go on a journey of some amazing life experiences through the course of decades. It’s a good family drama that shows us the realism and up and downs we all go through in life.

The journey we go on in this story is often difficult to understand. The main character is often provided with the tools to succeed early in life but is never really able to get to where he wants.

When he does get to a place where he should be grateful he tends to look around at what others have and wonder why he doesn’t. There were often moments when he would be in a place to earn success but makes head scratching decisions to self-sabotage himself. I

It often seems like there is one step forward two steps back. You want to root for success, but then moments happen that you understand what happened to prevent it. At certain times it wasn’t being in the right place at the right time. Other times it was having an opportunity and failing to capitalize.

This is a story you want to root for at times and at others can be very frustrating. It’s not one of overwhelming success or failure that warms your heart with struggle or success. It’s difficult to decide which way the story is going and how you should feel about it.

The movie needs to decide which way the story wants to go. That would allow the viewer to follow along much better.

Prompt 97: Write the First Line of your memoir

Writing a memoir is something that I will do someday. The first line of my memoir is “It had already been long and difficult summer. We had hoped the worst was behind us.”

Writing a memoir is something that I will do someday. The first line of my memoir is “It had already been long and difficult summer. We had hoped the worst was behind us.”

It was a crazy summer. We had dealt with a frequent turnover of the nannies from our children, a flood, issues and misunderstandings with bills and four days without electricity.

We thought the worst was behind us. We finally had about a month of tranquility from the end of July through the fourth week of August. Things finally seemed to be getting back to normal as school began.

The day before the school year began, my wife got sick. She spent nearly seven hours in the ER with the doctors trying to figure out what was wrong. They gave her a pain killer, I drove her home and everything seemed to be ok.

The next day as school began she had severe nausea and had to go to the nurse’s office at school. I later took her to the doctor. They sent her back to the ER of a different hospital.

That afternoon they admitted her to the hospital. She would stay for four days before being released. He stint at home would last about 12 hours before she was readmitted.

Less than 48 hours later she became paralyzed because of a misdiagnosis from an illness. It was the most devastating that I have ever dealt with. Her life and the life of our children were going to be changed forever.

There was a lot to consider and ponder in the short term and long term. So many questions to be asked and answered.

Unfortunately, things turned into a power struggle more than what was in her best interests or the interests of our children. Her family ultimately won out in every way.

I cannot say that I was surprised. Her devotion was frequently much greater to everyone in her life than it was to me.

Prompt 96: What is the Mental Health Diagnosis you worry about most? Why?

The mental health diagnosis I worry about most was when the custody evaluator ruled that my alleged impulsiveness was a hindrance to being able to be a better parent than my ex who is paralyzed.

The mental health diagnosis I worry about most was when the custody evaluator ruled that my alleged impulsiveness was a hindrance to being able to be a better parent than my ex who is paralyzed.

Because she cannot take care of herself, my friends, family, and acquaintances all thought I did not have to worry about maintaining custody. The only mental health diagnosis I worry about beyond that is anything relating to dementia. Losing the ability to think and take care of oneself would crush all independence.

Having to go through a mental health examine and have everything about the person you are can be a devastating experience. Everything I did, everything that makes me the person I am, my general being was dissected and evaluated, likely multiple times.

At the end losing custody of my children was devastating. If it had truly been to their mother that would have been easier to digest and understand. The reality is that she is not the one that is their caretaker and logistical parent.

They live with my ex-sister-in-law, her husband, and two sons. My attorney tried to get them to have to take a psychological evaluation but the judge refused.

Her brother in law admitted under oath during a deposition that he assaulted me. My own attorneys told me not to go to the police as it could jeopardize everything. In the end, I have lost almost everything anyways.

Someone very close to the case said that her sister is the most conniving and controlling person that they had ever seen. This testimony couldn’t be used as it would violate ethical codes of the law.

Going through the process of being evaluated took two years. It took almost three years for me to lose custody of my children from the time my ex filed for divorce to losing my children.

It was something I had thought about every day during that time. Other than a diagnosis of dementia I cannot imagine worrying about a mental health diagnosis any more than I did losing custody of my children. It is the most devastating “diagnosis” I have had in my life.