Prompt 115: You Awake in Your Childhood bed. You just had a nightmare. What did you dream about?

Prompt 115: You Awake in Your Childhood bed. You just had a nightmare. What did you dream about?

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I have generally had a hard time dealing with abstract thoughts. I deal much better in reality. The second of my four divorce attorneys told me I was living a nightmare.

Little did he know how much worse it could get. At the time I lost him I still had custody of my children. Losing them was devastating. I often have dreams about my in-laws. They have destroyed me. Life could certainly become much worse than it is now. I feel like I am living a nightmare.

In many ways, my life is a nightmare. It’s hard to imagine waking up in my childhood bed and it being a nightmare. If we are only talking in terms of the bed specifically I would not want to wake in my childhood bed versus the bed I sleep in now.

I presently sleep in a queen size bed. My childhood bed was a trundle twin bed. Other than my last year of college I slept in a twin bed until I was 29. I can’t imagine having to go back to sleeping in a twin bed.

I was a very heavy sleeper as a child. I can’t visualize nightmares that I had. I remember one storm we had. My bedroom overlooked the patio in the backyard. I looked out in the morning after sleeping through the night and all the patio furniture was strewn all over the place. It’s amazing I did not wake up.

Things that would have kept me up at night as a child was anything that involved being assertive. Stepping out of my comfort zone heightens my anxiety. That remains true today.

Although I had a good childhood a lot of my thoughts from then have faded. I can remember being teased often by schoolmates.

I was told my epidermis is showing, pushed to do things I that made me look and feel foolish and generally felt like an outsider. Having to wake up in my childhood bed and going through that would ultimately be what would cause a nightmare in my childhood bed.

There are some events from my childhood I would love to relive. On the whole, I don’t want to go back there.

One of the biggest things I am proud of is going rappelling off a 100-foot cliff in Israel. It was totally out of character. I was then and still am afraid of heights.

 

Prompt 112: That Time you Ran Away From Home

Prompt 112: That Time you Ran Away From Home. I only remember running away from home once. I went to my grandparents.

I only remember running away from home once. I went to my grandparents.

I don’t even remember why I ran away from home. It likely had something to do with my father. He was never really compassionate with me. He seemed to be troubled by and never understood me I after I turned 13.

My mom was compassionate with me until the last few years. Both of my grandfathers were very compassionate. My grandmothers far less so. In their generation that completely bucked the stereotype. It was my maternal grandparent’s house I went to. They lived about 15 minutes away from me.

I was fairly close with my grandparents until I reached adulthood. I kept more to myself and my friends as an adult. This one particular night I relied on them. I don’t remember much.

It might have been news years night.  I remember watching football in their living room. My dad and grandfather had a cordial relationship. Underneath that, it seemed as if they didn’t like each other much. The tolerated each other and were cordial for the sake of my mom.

I wish I could remember more about that night. There were times my grandfather seemed to understand me more than my father. The running away was most likely due to a disagreement with my father.

My mom used to be my biggest supporter. No one seemed to understand me more than she did. She is incredibly smart and definitely got that intelligence from my grandfather. They are both Northwestern graduates.

Neither of my grandmothers graduated from college. My paternal grandfather was an attorney.

There were many times I wanted to run away. Even now life seems like it could be better if I could start over somewhere else. I would love to be able to do an American version of Eat, Pray, Love combined with Wild.

It would be more like Eat, Love, Wild. I love cooking and trying different cuisines from a multitude of ethnicities. Cooking soothes me. Religion has become less important to me. I felt deserted religiously. It’s interesting to explore different kinds of spirituality. I will always hope to find love.

If we have nothing keeping us in one place being able to explore and get out of ourselves can help us learn more about ourselves. In the last couple of years, I have thought about that a lot. The ability to move somewhere else or travel and explore life, get out of myself and look deep into myself is appealing. In a way that’s running away and leaving the place that has been home for most of my life.

The ability to move somewhere else or travel and explore life, get out of myself and look deep into myself is appealing. In a way that’s running away and leaving the place that has been home for most of my life.

 

Prompt 108: What’s the Biggest Letdown you can’t let go of?

The biggest letdown I cannot let go of is my the battles in my divorce. It’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.

The biggest letdown I cannot let go of is my the battles in my divorce. It’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.

Nearly six years ago, my ex-wife became paralyzed from an illness. Eleven months later she filed for divorce. Nearly three years after that she got custody of our children. About two more years and the judge awarded her my house I bought when we were legally separated. At the time I had custody of our children.

In the nearly four years from the time of her illness her family got power of attorney over her, worked with her to file for divorce, got custody of the children and now my house. I am beyond devastated. Having my own house was the last thing I had of comfort.

Being at home has provided me more than shelter. It’s a place I can call my own. I love my neighborhood, town and the deck I have in the backyard. I have sat outside often this summer to write. On a beautiful summer day, it’s really nice to be able to do that.

I wrote earlier this week on my other personal blog about being numb. Her family, specifically her sister and brother-in-law seemingly won’t stop until they get everything and I am destroyed.

I do not know where I will live. No one in my ex’s family has even stepped foot in my house much less lived her. It’s hard to understand what the judge and the court system are thinking. Those close to me feel the same. The one word I have frequently used throughout the divorce process is illogical. That applies to many if not most divorce cases.

I have lost everything important to me. I don’t know what I will do next. I currently work part time in two jobs. I do courier work and always am looking for more clients. I also am a blogger.

I’ve thought about where my life will lead me next. I have never been comfortable in my own shoes. My lack of self-esteem likely hurt my marriage. I have been able to accept the end of the relationship. Everything else involving the divorce has crushed my mental health.

Losing my children and now my house makes me shake my head. I am just not sure where, when, what and how my life will hold next. It astonishes me how many divorces are more about vengeance than what’s best for the children and/or just moving on and being able to begin the next phase of your life.

 

Prompt 105: A time you’ve been ashamed of yourself

The time I was ashamed of myself was when I was arrested for trying to reason with a utility worker who came to my house.

One of our utilities was turned off. I thought my then wife had paid the bill and she thought I did. A woman came to our house to reinstate the utility. When she went to turn it back on, she said she was unable to do so.

I tried to reason with the woman. I closed the door to my house and asked the woman can’t we work this out. She called her dispatcher. I immediately opened the door and let her out.

I said some things I now regret. After calling her dispatcher, the police were notified. They came to my house and I was charged with keeping the woman against her will. The entire thing was 30 seconds.

It is something that changed the course of my life. My eventual conviction has kept me from finding work, played a major role in the end of my marriage and likely cost me custody of my children.

One 30 second mistake has influenced the remainder of my life. We all have things in our life we are embarrassed or ashamed of. Many or most don’t have to have it have a major impact on the rest of their life going forward.

I wish potential employers, romantic interests, and the court could look past my mistake. I regret it tremendously. I did not hurt anyone. I hope if someone commits the same mistake in the future they will not be judged as harshly as I was.

We often judge people based on a piece of paper. One action in our life should not define us as a person. We should be judged by the entire sum of our actions throughout our lifetime.

I hope that in the future this will be the case.

Prompt 104: Write about a Time a Parent Gave you Bad Advice

When I was a senior in high school I was going to a football game with my friend. Because the game was in the city my mom would not allow me to leave the house in shorts. The temperature that day was 75 degrees. 

When I was a senior in high school I was going to a football game with my friend. Because the game was in the city my mom would not allow me to leave the house in shorts. The temperature that day was 75 degrees.

My mom grew up in a very proper and well off family. My grandmother especially expected things to be done a certain way. We grew up a town over from where my mom did.

Her learned from my grandmother that when you go to the city you wear pants. This should not apply to a football game. To appease my mother I wore jeans. I either wore the shorts under the jeans or brought them with me in the car.

When I got to my friend’s house to pick him up I shed the jeans. The high temperature that day was 75 degrees. It felt much warmer. From that day forward I never wore pants on a hot day again.

There are many times when we should listen to our parents. The way we dress when we get to a certain age should not be one of them. The game was played the day before I turned 18.

My children are currently much younger than that. I would always let them pick out what they wear. I would hold veto power and still let them choose the alternate outfit. Sometimes I would have to lay out two outfits and make them pick.

One of my daughters is very strong willed and stubborn. She likes to wear dresses but refused to wear skirts. I learned quickly as a mostly single father that it was not worth it to argue over that. What was most important is that still is comfortable.

As long as my children look somewhat presentable I work with them on what to wear.

Prompt 103: Describe what you sound like when you’re angry. Take the perspective of someone in earshot behind a closed door, listening .

Prompt 103: Describe what you sound like when you’re angry. Take the perspective of someone in earshot behind a closed door, listening .

What I sound like when I am angry would be a very subjective answer. I have evolved in my ability to control my anger.

Like anyone that has been through a divorce many things about my personality were exaggerated. One of those things was my temper and impulsivity. The hell my divorce put me through mellowed me out in many ways.

The biggest thing I do when I get angry or passionate about anything, in general, is to raise my voice. With ADHD I often get so passionate and wrapped up in making my point I subconsciously tune out what the other person is saying.

What also would have come through in the past was my intention and need to be right. I focused very intently on the principle of everything. Standing on principal is what was important to me. I didn’t look enough at what the person I was arguing with was thinking.

Whoever was in theory behind the closed-door within earshot listening to the argument should have been able to discern that from the argument. I would speak about what was the cool thing, the right thing or what I perceived that I or whoever was on my side of the argument to be treated fairly as the important thing.

I have had to learn the hard way that it is much better to be able to discuss things civilly more than arguing. So many friends and colleagues of mine have had to deal with awful divorces that many of us are numb to arguing.

What should come out of someone who would listen to my arguments that while I might have been angry it is because I am passionate and feels things deeply. I want those close to me to do things the right way. I used to care far too much about what others think.

We all need to do a better job of understanding each other. This has spilled over to the way that arguments are conducted on social media. If we learn how to better debate and not argue, a lot more would get accomplished in the world.

Prompt 98: You’re a critic, reviewing the movie of your life. Write a thumbs up review, now write a thumbs down one.

Prompt 98: You’re a critic, reviewing the movie of your life. Write a thumbs up review, now write a thumbs down one.

My life lends perfect to a thumbs up and thumbs down reviews. My life had been a constant of good and not getting to where I would like to be.

The story is one that most people should be able to relate to. The main character is one that has had up and downs in life. We follow the main character from his upper middle-class upbringing through the loss of his children in a bitter custody battle.

The story is depicted with heart and portrays the main character with a sense of realism. We see both his good traits, his flaws and the struggles and triumphs he has throughout his life.

He dreams of finding love and raising a family in addition to becoming successful. The story does a good job of examining success and how that is defined. We take a journey with a character that has a good life from the outside but has dealt with an internal struggle throughout his life.

We see the character as human and someone who has dealt with many of the same issues that we all struggle with every day. Battling depression, ADHD, anxiety and successes, and failures in life the main character is never quite comfortable in his own skin.

We go on a journey of some amazing life experiences through the course of decades. It’s a good family drama that shows us the realism and up and downs we all go through in life.

The journey we go on in this story is often difficult to understand. The main character is often provided with the tools to succeed early in life but is never really able to get to where he wants.

When he does get to a place where he should be grateful he tends to look around at what others have and wonder why he doesn’t. There were often moments when he would be in a place to earn success but makes head scratching decisions to self-sabotage himself. I

It often seems like there is one step forward two steps back. You want to root for success, but then moments happen that you understand what happened to prevent it. At certain times it wasn’t being in the right place at the right time. Other times it was having an opportunity and failing to capitalize.

This is a story you want to root for at times and at others can be very frustrating. It’s not one of overwhelming success or failure that warms your heart with struggle or success. It’s difficult to decide which way the story is going and how you should feel about it.

The movie needs to decide which way the story wants to go. That would allow the viewer to follow along much better.