Prompt 99: What you know of your family’s history all told, is it a gift to you or a curse? Defend your arguments.

Prompt 99: What you know of your family’s history all told, is it a gift to you or a curse? Defend your arguments.

Beyond my Grandparents, I do not know much about my family’s history. Living in my father’s shadow has been a gift and a curse.

My father has been successful throughout his life. He is a highly accomplished athlete and was very successful for over 30 years in finance.

My mother always said that he did everything he could to shield us from competition. It was still difficult growing wanting to be as successful as he was. I wanted to reach the things he did or at least the goals I had set for myself.

My parents have been married for 52 years. I have dreamt almost my entire life of getting married and raising a family with a woman I could be close with. Someone to share ideals, ethics, a mutual physical and emotional relationship.,

I knew from a young age what I wanted to do for a career. My career never materialized. My father wanted me to go into finance like he did. One of my brothers did and is doing very well. I tried but it felt like I did have the right mind for it.

Although my father did what he could to steer us away from certain things, he is also very judgemental. He has certain ideas about how people should live life. He often does not understand people who are not like him.

He is extroverted, assertive and athletic. Anyone that is more introverted, not as athletic and that might struggle with physical or mental impairments he doesn’t seem to relate to.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia at a fairly young age. I learned I had ADHD soon after finishing college and anxiety and depression much later. My father would call me sweetness growing up in a sarcastic nod to my fluctuating moods. My mother would call me a martyr or tell me I was saying woe as me. In actuality, it was me dealing with my depression and anxiety.

Almost everything in life internally has been difficult for me. I have struggled with the issues mentioned above. Those have hindered me in almost every way. I have struggled with work and relationships.

I have held three or four jobs for two years or more since being finished with college. Others ones have often not worked out. Dating is a frequent struggled. My marriage was a constant battle.

Dating is a frequent struggle. My marriage was a constant battle. We dated for two years before getting married. We were married nine and a half years when she filed for divorce. The longest relationship I was in other than with her was two and half months.

Since she filed for separation nearly five years ago the most I have been out with one woman was four times in a three-month span.

My entire family beyond my father and siblings are high achievers. It feels like I have to expend a lot of energy just to get through a day. My sister told me that everyone goes through depression and I just have to get through it.

On the whole, because of my family’s lack of understanding me and their level of achievement versus my lack of it, my family’s history and success are more of a curse than a gift.

 

 

Prompt 98: You’re a critic, reviewing the movie of your life. Write a thumbs up review, now write a thumbs down one.

Prompt 98: You’re a critic, reviewing the movie of your life. Write a thumbs up review, now write a thumbs down one.

My life lends perfect to a thumbs up and thumbs down reviews. My life had been a constant of good and not getting to where I would like to be.

The story is one that most people should be able to relate to. The main character is one that has had up and downs in life. We follow the main character from his upper middle-class upbringing through the loss of his children in a bitter custody battle.

The story is depicted with heart and portrays the main character with a sense of realism. We see both his good traits, his flaws and the struggles and triumphs he has throughout his life.

He dreams of finding love and raising a family in addition to becoming successful. The story does a good job of examining success and how that is defined. We take a journey with a character that has a good life from the outside but has dealt with an internal struggle throughout his life.

We see the character as human and someone who has dealt with many of the same issues that we all struggle with every day. Battling depression, ADHD, anxiety and successes, and failures in life the main character is never quite comfortable in his own skin.

We go on a journey of some amazing life experiences through the course of decades. It’s a good family drama that shows us the realism and up and downs we all go through in life.

The journey we go on in this story is often difficult to understand. The main character is often provided with the tools to succeed early in life but is never really able to get to where he wants.

When he does get to a place where he should be grateful he tends to look around at what others have and wonder why he doesn’t. There were often moments when he would be in a place to earn success but makes head scratching decisions to self-sabotage himself. I

It often seems like there is one step forward two steps back. You want to root for success, but then moments happen that you understand what happened to prevent it. At certain times it wasn’t being in the right place at the right time. Other times it was having an opportunity and failing to capitalize.

This is a story you want to root for at times and at others can be very frustrating. It’s not one of overwhelming success or failure that warms your heart with struggle or success. It’s difficult to decide which way the story is going and how you should feel about it.

The movie needs to decide which way the story wants to go. That would allow the viewer to follow along much better.

Prompt 96: What is the Mental Health Diagnosis you worry about most? Why?

The mental health diagnosis I worry about most was when the custody evaluator ruled that my alleged impulsiveness was a hindrance to being able to be a better parent than my ex who is paralyzed.

The mental health diagnosis I worry about most was when the custody evaluator ruled that my alleged impulsiveness was a hindrance to being able to be a better parent than my ex who is paralyzed.

Because she cannot take care of herself, my friends, family, and acquaintances all thought I did not have to worry about maintaining custody. The only mental health diagnosis I worry about beyond that is anything relating to dementia. Losing the ability to think and take care of oneself would crush all independence.

Having to go through a mental health examine and have everything about the person you are can be a devastating experience. Everything I did, everything that makes me the person I am, my general being was dissected and evaluated, likely multiple times.

At the end losing custody of my children was devastating. If it had truly been to their mother that would have been easier to digest and understand. The reality is that she is not the one that is their caretaker and logistical parent.

They live with my ex-sister-in-law, her husband, and two sons. My attorney tried to get them to have to take a psychological evaluation but the judge refused.

Her brother in law admitted under oath during a deposition that he assaulted me. My own attorneys told me not to go to the police as it could jeopardize everything. In the end, I have lost almost everything anyways.

Someone very close to the case said that her sister is the most conniving and controlling person that they had ever seen. This testimony couldn’t be used as it would violate ethical codes of the law.

Going through the process of being evaluated took two years. It took almost three years for me to lose custody of my children from the time my ex filed for divorce to losing my children.

It was something I had thought about every day during that time. Other than a diagnosis of dementia I cannot imagine worrying about a mental health diagnosis any more than I did losing custody of my children. It is the most devastating “diagnosis” I have had in my life.

 

Prompt 94: What’s the Most Consequential Act of Your Life? Good or Bad?

The most consequential act of my life was the moment I sent an instant message to my ex-wife. It was mostly good.

The most consequential act of my life was the moment I sent an instant message to my ex-wife. It was mostly good.

Being with her gave me “the best day(s) of our life”. The best and some of the worst days of my life were being with her. When we were alone its was usually the best. When everyone else got involved is when things were difficult.

What could have been a very inconsequential act and one that would have very easily been long forgotten is one I will always remember. I sat at the computer with my IM box open. I kept going back and forth in my mind whether or not to send her the message.

I had been online dating for about five years. I had been on AOL in the chat rooms and iming women for about seven. We even used AOL and some of the dating sites to find people for our soccer team.

As I contemplated sending the message, I thought about my past successes and failures. Three of my good friends at the time I had met on AOL. Another friend I had met on a dating site.

We have big decisions throughout our lives. Sometimes a small one can change the course of our lives. I finally sent an IM and we messaged that night. About two weeks later we went out for the first time.

We would date for two years and got engaged on our second anniversary. Less than five months later we got married. We had actually basically been engaged for about five or six months by the time I made it official and put a ring on her finger.

The only people who knew were the temple, my mom, and my aunt. My aunt is a professional wedding planner and planned the wedding, my mom helped me with the ring and we had to reserve a date at the temple.

I often think I married the right person from the wrong family. On our second date, she told me her family was in her words “dysfunction junction”. Little did I know just how dysfunctional they were.

There was a woman I was pursuing for nearly two years when I met her. The other woman came from a much more stable family and I often wonder how much different my life would have been.

When I was dating my ex I was never really sure if she was “the one”. What I did know is that I cared about her more than anyone else I had dated. I had gone out with some women after a few dates and then not pursued things.

While I never wanted to hurt any women, with her it was much different. The thought of hurting her was much greater than it was with anyone else.

Sending that instant message changed my life forever. I sent me on the path or getting married, having children with her, having to deal with a life-altering illness she had and her filing for divorce.

As with most people who have been married and specifically those that have been through illness and or divorce, that consequential act of sending the instant message was both good and bad.

Being with her was everything I dreamed of. Unfortunately, the dream turned into a nightmare she gained custody of our children in spite of not being able to take care of them. It had been two years and I haven’t seen them.

What began with love, promise and hope has turned into devastation, loneliness and often despair. As an I near a milestone birthday I search for new ways to define myself and the newest most consequential act of my life.

Prompt 92: If you asked your first enemy to describe you what would she say? What were the circumstances that made you her nemesis?

Prompt 92: If you asked your first enemy to describe you what would she say? What were the circumstances that made you her nemesis?

It’s difficult for me to remember a specific person as my first enemy or nemesis.

I had quite a few people I would consider a nemesis growing up but not someone as deep as an enemy. I am a very sensitive person and used to take almost everything personally. As a result of that, I often got teased growing up.

This made for many tense situations in school. I had friends but can remember numerous instances of being teased growing up and in school. I remember one girl I went to school with and getting really upset with her. Another time I remember two boys that teased me that my epidermis was showing.

Looking back on this I wish I had gone home and looked up what epidermis was instead of getting upset at school. For most of my life, I have felt like an outsider. As I got older in school, the class sizes and school population became bigger I was too anonymous to have many enemies or a specific nemesis.

I can remember being too afraid to put myself in a position to fail. I was and still tend to be very passive. I didn’t do enough to have an enemy.

As I have gotten older I have learned to dislike the act a person does more than the person. I would hope that others can see that I also make mistakes and learn to be upset with what I did and not consider me a nemesis or an enemy.

It is especially sad that when people are brought together through adversity that power struggles often occur. This should specifically be a time to put differences aside and work together for the common good.

Far too often I see that one person or a group can put forth to get what they want. It becomes more about ceasing control and being right than it does about doing the right thing or helping people.

Prompt 84: A Moment When you were happy to be the age you were.

The moment I was happy to be the age I was was the first year of my relationship with my ex and the first years after we had our first child, a son.

The moment I was happy to be the age I was the first year of my relationship with my ex and the first years after we had our first child, a son.

I discussed at length in the last post and throughout the blog how much I dreamt of having a family. I still hope to become a writer and dreamt of being a broadcaster growing up and in my twenties, but nothing meant more to me than becoming a husband and father.

The first year of my relationship with my ex and our honeymoon, then three and a half years later when we became parents through right before we had our second was an amazing and special time in my life.

How much do we truly enjoy the special times in life in the moment? Some have a better ability to do that than others. We strive for more money, a bigger house, more friends and especially for a better life for our children.

I loved that time, but probably not enough. I wanted more. I saw others that had more than us and I wanted that. How can we truly be happy if we look at everyone else instead of appreciating what we have?

It’s often hard to see value while we are living life. If we can be happy to be the age we are at a specific time we go a long way towards enjoying life more. That can be a lot easier said than done.

Patrick Stewart’s character Captain John Luc-Picard in Star Trek the Next Generation once spoke about the importance of living in the now and said:

“Time is a companion that goes with us on all of our journeys and reminds us to cherish every moment….After all, We are only mortal.”

Prompt 81: If you lived in the right era for you, what era would you live in?

I live in the right era now. I wish I was 20-25 years younger.

I love writing, which is I have undertaken this project to finish the 642 Things to Write about Me. I have been a blogger for over 15 years. I have always wondered if I had been younger how my life would be different.

I have frequently discussed my shyness. It had prevented me from doing so many things. The advent of the internet has allowed me to be able to reach out to people in a much more modern way.

How would my life be different if the internet had been around when I was growing up? I envy children who are now able to vlog/blog and use social media to get noticed. It seems that most of the people who do get noticed are young.

Would I have broken out of my shell if I had been younger? I was on the school newspaper in Junior High and published my fraternity’s newsletter in college.

If blogging, social media, and the internet, in general, had been around when I was young it would have been much easier for me to connect to others. I feel much more comfortable reaching out to others through email and social media than I do in a more traditional sense.

I have always wondered if I had come of age coinciding with the age of the internet would opportunities presented themselves more? Would have been writing more consistently from an early age? Would I have networked with more people? How would being able to reach out to others via social media and other online platforms have affected my social and dating life?

It’s often said it’s never too late in life. How much is that exactly is exactly true? When we get an earlier start it can start the clock on many other things. I’ve lived a lot of my life with regrets and wondering what if.

My thought process seems to think back a lot. How much more successful could I have been in every aspect of my life if I had been brought up in a more digital age? I have frequently spoken about how my anxiety has greatly affected my life. I will always wonder how

I will always wonder how and if my anxiety would have and could have been decreased being much younger in the digital age. Many of us probably think about how our lives could have been different if we lived in a different era. All we can try to do is to make the best of the era we live in.