Prompt 114: How would you be different if you had grown up in great wealth?

Prompt 114: How would you be different if you had grown up in great wealth?

I was very fortunate to grow up in a fairly affluent family. We were far from great wealth, however.

I was very fortunate to grow up in a fairly affluent family. We were far from great wealth, however.

I was lucky enough growing up to not really want for anything that money could buy. My perception of great wealth goes beyond that. I look at some people who come from families that allow them to do the things that drive them or they want to do.

If I had grown up in great wealth it’s likely adulthood would have been impacted greater than my childhood. I would have liked to have started some businesses and set up some charities.

I’ve spent a lot of time throughout my life being involved with charities as much as I can. I haven’t had much wealth as an adult to be able to donate money. I have often donated my time since I didn’t have the money.

I would like to get back to that more. I also wish I had the money to be able to start businesses and to be able to market the services I have.  Having great wealth would almost always put any of us in a better chance to succeed.

Getting the chance is the first and often biggest step to being successful. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but it can often make life easier.

I’ve always been a person of many ideas and have a mind that is constantly going. One of the first I ideas I had for a business post college was to start a fantasy football website. I often wonder if I had pursued it where I would be now.

With great wealth, I would have been able to pay someone to help me develop this. My lack of assertiveness has also hurt me throughout my life.

Anxiety has held me back. I get nervous when I had to do anything that might involve rejection. Whether it’s asking out women or in a business setting it’s myself I am often afraid of.

With “great wealth” I might have been more confident in many aspects of my life. It would have hopefully led to more confidence, more assertiveness and maybe more success. The reality is that most of us are not that fortunate.

 

Prompt 112: That Time you Ran Away From Home

Prompt 112: That Time you Ran Away From Home. I only remember running away from home once. I went to my grandparents.

I only remember running away from home once. I went to my grandparents.

I don’t even remember why I ran away from home. It likely had something to do with my father. He was never really compassionate with me. He seemed to be troubled by and never understood me I after I turned 13.

My mom was compassionate with me until the last few years. Both of my grandfathers were very compassionate. My grandmothers far less so. In their generation that completely bucked the stereotype. It was my maternal grandparent’s house I went to. They lived about 15 minutes away from me.

I was fairly close with my grandparents until I reached adulthood. I kept more to myself and my friends as an adult. This one particular night I relied on them. I don’t remember much.

It might have been news years night.  I remember watching football in their living room. My dad and grandfather had a cordial relationship. Underneath that, it seemed as if they didn’t like each other much. The tolerated each other and were cordial for the sake of my mom.

I wish I could remember more about that night. There were times my grandfather seemed to understand me more than my father. The running away was most likely due to a disagreement with my father.

My mom used to be my biggest supporter. No one seemed to understand me more than she did. She is incredibly smart and definitely got that intelligence from my grandfather. They are both Northwestern graduates.

Neither of my grandmothers graduated from college. My paternal grandfather was an attorney.

There were many times I wanted to run away. Even now life seems like it could be better if I could start over somewhere else. I would love to be able to do an American version of Eat, Pray, Love combined with Wild.

It would be more like Eat, Love, Wild. I love cooking and trying different cuisines from a multitude of ethnicities. Cooking soothes me. Religion has become less important to me. I felt deserted religiously. It’s interesting to explore different kinds of spirituality. I will always hope to find love.

If we have nothing keeping us in one place being able to explore and get out of ourselves can help us learn more about ourselves. In the last couple of years, I have thought about that a lot. The ability to move somewhere else or travel and explore life, get out of myself and look deep into myself is appealing. In a way that’s running away and leaving the place that has been home for most of my life.

The ability to move somewhere else or travel and explore life, get out of myself and look deep into myself is appealing. In a way that’s running away and leaving the place that has been home for most of my life.

 

Prompt 111: Describe the one thing you wish you had said and the moment you wish you had said it

Prompt 111: Describe the one thing you wish you had said and the moment you wish you had said it

I have frequently chronicled my issues with anxiety. There is not one thing I wish I had said or a moment I wish I had said it. It’s more the general idea of often being afraid to say things.

My anxiety and lack of self-esteem have held me back from so many things in life. I have had fears about necessary phone calls I need to make, asking out women I like or taking care of things that need to get done.

My life is a constant daily battle of having the confidence to tackle things that need to get done. I often have difficulty getting out of my comfort zone. If I am unsure of something or it makes me feel uncomfortable I very likely will avoid doing something.

This is something I am constantly working on. The strength and weakness of my personality are to be able to focus on a task directly ahead of me. I thrive with day-to-day activities that need to get done.

The irony is that the courts saw this as a detriment to me as a parent. It was far more my strength. Taking care of children requires the ability to get things done. Under a deadline, I thrive. Children force you to constantly work under a deadline.

Getting them ready for school, sometimes preparing their lunches, getting them to activities and appointments are all essential in taking care of them.

I wish I could narrow this down one thing I wish I had said. In general, I just wish I could be more assertive. This applies to most aspects of my life. The two biggest ones are being more assertive with women in public and people at a career networking events.

I am a different person online versus in person. At events, whether it’s a social or business event, I am more likely to wait for someone to talk to me than for me to talk to them.

I am frequently not sure what to do say or consciously and sub-consciously face the fear of rejection. I am working on my confidence and anxiety on a daily basis.

I hope and wish to be able to able to be more confident to be able to get the things done I need to do. This includes phone calls that need to be made, talking to people in a physical setting and the ability to say things when they need to be said.

 

Prompt 99: What you know of your family’s history all told, is it a gift to you or a curse? Defend your arguments.

Prompt 99: What you know of your family’s history all told, is it a gift to you or a curse? Defend your arguments.

Beyond my Grandparents, I do not know much about my family’s history. Living in my father’s shadow has been a gift and a curse.

My father has been successful throughout his life. He is a highly accomplished athlete and was very successful for over 30 years in finance.

My mother always said that he did everything he could to shield us from competition. It was still difficult growing wanting to be as successful as he was. I wanted to reach the things he did or at least the goals I had set for myself.

My parents have been married for 52 years. I have dreamt almost my entire life of getting married and raising a family with a woman I could be close with. Someone to share ideals, ethics, a mutual physical and emotional relationship.,

I knew from a young age what I wanted to do for a career. My career never materialized. My father wanted me to go into finance like he did. One of my brothers did and is doing very well. I tried but it felt like I did have the right mind for it.

Although my father did what he could to steer us away from certain things, he is also very judgemental. He has certain ideas about how people should live life. He often does not understand people who are not like him.

He is extroverted, assertive and athletic. Anyone that is more introverted, not as athletic and that might struggle with physical or mental impairments he doesn’t seem to relate to.

I was diagnosed with dyslexia at a fairly young age. I learned I had ADHD soon after finishing college and anxiety and depression much later. My father would call me sweetness growing up in a sarcastic nod to my fluctuating moods. My mother would call me a martyr or tell me I was saying woe as me. In actuality, it was me dealing with my depression and anxiety.

Almost everything in life internally has been difficult for me. I have struggled with the issues mentioned above. Those have hindered me in almost every way. I have struggled with work and relationships.

I have held three or four jobs for two years or more since being finished with college. Others ones have often not worked out. Dating is a frequent struggled. My marriage was a constant battle.

Dating is a frequent struggle. My marriage was a constant battle. We dated for two years before getting married. We were married nine and a half years when she filed for divorce. The longest relationship I was in other than with her was two and half months.

Since she filed for separation nearly five years ago the most I have been out with one woman was four times in a three-month span.

My entire family beyond my father and siblings are high achievers. It feels like I have to expend a lot of energy just to get through a day. My sister told me that everyone goes through depression and I just have to get through it.

On the whole, because of my family’s lack of understanding me and their level of achievement versus my lack of it, my family’s history and success are more of a curse than a gift.

 

 

Prompt 98: You’re a critic, reviewing the movie of your life. Write a thumbs up review, now write a thumbs down one.

Prompt 98: You’re a critic, reviewing the movie of your life. Write a thumbs up review, now write a thumbs down one.

My life lends perfect to a thumbs up and thumbs down reviews. My life had been a constant of good and not getting to where I would like to be.

The story is one that most people should be able to relate to. The main character is one that has had up and downs in life. We follow the main character from his upper middle-class upbringing through the loss of his children in a bitter custody battle.

The story is depicted with heart and portrays the main character with a sense of realism. We see both his good traits, his flaws and the struggles and triumphs he has throughout his life.

He dreams of finding love and raising a family in addition to becoming successful. The story does a good job of examining success and how that is defined. We take a journey with a character that has a good life from the outside but has dealt with an internal struggle throughout his life.

We see the character as human and someone who has dealt with many of the same issues that we all struggle with every day. Battling depression, ADHD, anxiety and successes, and failures in life the main character is never quite comfortable in his own skin.

We go on a journey of some amazing life experiences through the course of decades. It’s a good family drama that shows us the realism and up and downs we all go through in life.

The journey we go on in this story is often difficult to understand. The main character is often provided with the tools to succeed early in life but is never really able to get to where he wants.

When he does get to a place where he should be grateful he tends to look around at what others have and wonder why he doesn’t. There were often moments when he would be in a place to earn success but makes head scratching decisions to self-sabotage himself. I

It often seems like there is one step forward two steps back. You want to root for success, but then moments happen that you understand what happened to prevent it. At certain times it wasn’t being in the right place at the right time. Other times it was having an opportunity and failing to capitalize.

This is a story you want to root for at times and at others can be very frustrating. It’s not one of overwhelming success or failure that warms your heart with struggle or success. It’s difficult to decide which way the story is going and how you should feel about it.

The movie needs to decide which way the story wants to go. That would allow the viewer to follow along much better.

Prompt 96: What is the Mental Health Diagnosis you worry about most? Why?

The mental health diagnosis I worry about most was when the custody evaluator ruled that my alleged impulsiveness was a hindrance to being able to be a better parent than my ex who is paralyzed.

The mental health diagnosis I worry about most was when the custody evaluator ruled that my alleged impulsiveness was a hindrance to being able to be a better parent than my ex who is paralyzed.

Because she cannot take care of herself, my friends, family, and acquaintances all thought I did not have to worry about maintaining custody. The only mental health diagnosis I worry about beyond that is anything relating to dementia. Losing the ability to think and take care of oneself would crush all independence.

Having to go through a mental health examine and have everything about the person you are can be a devastating experience. Everything I did, everything that makes me the person I am, my general being was dissected and evaluated, likely multiple times.

At the end losing custody of my children was devastating. If it had truly been to their mother that would have been easier to digest and understand. The reality is that she is not the one that is their caretaker and logistical parent.

They live with my ex-sister-in-law, her husband, and two sons. My attorney tried to get them to have to take a psychological evaluation but the judge refused.

Her brother in law admitted under oath during a deposition that he assaulted me. My own attorneys told me not to go to the police as it could jeopardize everything. In the end, I have lost almost everything anyways.

Someone very close to the case said that her sister is the most conniving and controlling person that they had ever seen. This testimony couldn’t be used as it would violate ethical codes of the law.

Going through the process of being evaluated took two years. It took almost three years for me to lose custody of my children from the time my ex filed for divorce to losing my children.

It was something I had thought about every day during that time. Other than a diagnosis of dementia I cannot imagine worrying about a mental health diagnosis any more than I did losing custody of my children. It is the most devastating “diagnosis” I have had in my life.

 

Prompt 94: What’s the Most Consequential Act of Your Life? Good or Bad?

The most consequential act of my life was the moment I sent an instant message to my ex-wife. It was mostly good.

The most consequential act of my life was the moment I sent an instant message to my ex-wife. It was mostly good.

Being with her gave me “the best day(s) of our life”. The best and some of the worst days of my life were being with her. When we were alone its was usually the best. When everyone else got involved is when things were difficult.

What could have been a very inconsequential act and one that would have very easily been long forgotten is one I will always remember. I sat at the computer with my IM box open. I kept going back and forth in my mind whether or not to send her the message.

I had been online dating for about five years. I had been on AOL in the chat rooms and iming women for about seven. We even used AOL and some of the dating sites to find people for our soccer team.

As I contemplated sending the message, I thought about my past successes and failures. Three of my good friends at the time I had met on AOL. Another friend I had met on a dating site.

We have big decisions throughout our lives. Sometimes a small one can change the course of our lives. I finally sent an IM and we messaged that night. About two weeks later we went out for the first time.

We would date for two years and got engaged on our second anniversary. Less than five months later we got married. We had actually basically been engaged for about five or six months by the time I made it official and put a ring on her finger.

The only people who knew were the temple, my mom, and my aunt. My aunt is a professional wedding planner and planned the wedding, my mom helped me with the ring and we had to reserve a date at the temple.

I often think I married the right person from the wrong family. On our second date, she told me her family was in her words “dysfunction junction”. Little did I know just how dysfunctional they were.

There was a woman I was pursuing for nearly two years when I met her. The other woman came from a much more stable family and I often wonder how much different my life would have been.

When I was dating my ex I was never really sure if she was “the one”. What I did know is that I cared about her more than anyone else I had dated. I had gone out with some women after a few dates and then not pursued things.

While I never wanted to hurt any women, with her it was much different. The thought of hurting her was much greater than it was with anyone else.

Sending that instant message changed my life forever. I sent me on the path or getting married, having children with her, having to deal with a life-altering illness she had and her filing for divorce.

As with most people who have been married and specifically those that have been through illness and or divorce, that consequential act of sending the instant message was both good and bad.

Being with her was everything I dreamed of. Unfortunately, the dream turned into a nightmare she gained custody of our children in spite of not being able to take care of them. It had been two years and I haven’t seen them.

What began with love, promise and hope has turned into devastation, loneliness and often despair. As an I near a milestone birthday I search for new ways to define myself and the newest most consequential act of my life.