Prompt 108: What’s the Biggest Letdown you can’t let go of?

The biggest letdown I cannot let go of is my the battles in my divorce. It’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.

The biggest letdown I cannot let go of is my the battles in my divorce. It’s the nightmare that keeps on giving.

Nearly six years ago, my ex-wife became paralyzed from an illness. Eleven months later she filed for divorce. Nearly three years after that she got custody of our children. About two more years and the judge awarded her my house I bought when we were legally separated. At the time I had custody of our children.

In the nearly four years from the time of her illness her family got power of attorney over her, worked with her to file for divorce, got custody of the children and now my house. I am beyond devastated. Having my own house was the last thing I had of comfort.

Being at home has provided me more than shelter. It’s a place I can call my own. I love my neighborhood, town and the deck I have in the backyard. I have sat outside often this summer to write. On a beautiful summer day, it’s really nice to be able to do that.

I wrote earlier this week on my other personal blog about being numb. Her family, specifically her sister and brother-in-law seemingly won’t stop until they get everything and I am destroyed.

I do not know where I will live. No one in my ex’s family has even stepped foot in my house much less lived her. It’s hard to understand what the judge and the court system are thinking. Those close to me feel the same. The one word I have frequently used throughout the divorce process is illogical. That applies to many if not most divorce cases.

I have lost everything important to me. I don’t know what I will do next. I currently work part time in two jobs. I do courier work and always am looking for more clients. I also am a blogger.

I’ve thought about where my life will lead me next. I have never been comfortable in my own shoes. My lack of self-esteem likely hurt my marriage. I have been able to accept the end of the relationship. Everything else involving the divorce has crushed my mental health.

Losing my children and now my house makes me shake my head. I am just not sure where, when, what and how my life will hold next. It astonishes me how many divorces are more about vengeance than what’s best for the children and/or just moving on and being able to begin the next phase of your life.

 

Prompt 107: Write About a Word That Doesn’t Exist, define it and explain why you need it.

Prompt 107: Write About a Word That Doesn’t Exist, define it and explain why you need it.

When I was in college my fraternity brothers created the word fice. It is a combination of the words fucking and nice.

I am not sure why they came up with it, but we used it all the time. If we had a big party coming up it was fice, going out on a date with a hot or awesome chick, it’s fice. It many ways it was an all-encompassing word.

Fice could sometimes be used in place of using dude. In a fraternity, it could be hard to have a conversation without using the word dude.

The emphasis on dude could be used often through the flow of a conversation. If someone aced a test throughout campus someone might use an elongated pronunciation of the word Duuuuuuude! The emphasis being on well done. We frequently used Fice in place of dude.

If someone aced a test you would use fice. It was a reference as dude was to a job well done.

The frequency with how much we said and used fice shows why we needed it. It frequently would get a laugh even though we did not use the word lightly.

The way we used the world and talked to each other with it somewhat reminds of the bud light men from the 1990s using Whazzup.

That commercial created a lot of buzz. It was very polarizing. Fice was the same for us. Many in the fraternity didn’t like it. It also seemed to annoy many of the girlfriends of the brothers too.

It was a great word for us though. In many ways, it was unifying and created our own code. That often annoys those that are not in the Greek system.

Fice became a part of our everyday vernacular. It brought us closer together. Many of us had come to college a long way from home. We created a family within the fraternity. We all loved

We created a family within the fraternity. We all cared greatly for each other. Fice was how we all felt about each other.

Prompt 102: In Your Family What’s Your Way to Make Amends?

How my family would make amends varies largely on the definition of Family. When I was married we used to use a virtual reset button. 

How my family would make amends varies largely on the definition of Family. When I was married we used to use a virtual reset button.

Both my ex and I had short tempers. When we got upset with each other we would both say things we didn’t mean. That, in turn, could cause the silent treatment. Depending on what the disagreement was the length of not talking to each other could vary.

I began the idea of pushing the reset button. It was a way to reach out and nonverbally express love and a truce. Sadly it took a devastating illness for me to realize how irrational some of our disagreements. These worked both ways.

One, in particular, occurred shortly before she faced a life-threatening illness. On a warm summer night, we were having dinner outside on our patio. We grilled dinner but were boiling corn on the stove. I forgot to put the corn in the pot. She got extremely upset and was screaming at me. This was a common occurrence.

When she would become upset with me, she would scream, verbally abuse me and call me names. Some of those names included Hitler a moron and telling me I was like her father.

She didn’t often make amends to me through in-person apologize or do something nice to show me her love. If we use an unspoken apology as something that is done through something that is actually not said orally then did apologize to me through non-spoken words.

I would often receive an email the next day while she was at work apologizing and explaining why she acted the way she did. I remember the last night we ever spent together before her illness vividly.

I was going through some things in my personal life that were very difficult. I had a very down day. She had plans to go out with her mother and sister. I had to beg her to stay home. She went out with them anyways. I later found out her reason for leaving wasn’t what she initially told me.

When she returned home that night she crawled into bed after I was already there. She tried to seduce me. I was so upset she left that I pushed her away. She did eventually hold me in bed.

Some of the non-verbal ways I would try to make amends were by buying her flowers, chocolate or something else she would like from Trader Joe’s. Ultimately, it seemed like there were too many outside influences in our relationship that any amends were only temporary.

I could never compete with others in her life who should put on a much higher plane of importance than I was on. Her siblings, one sister in particular and friends ultimately were too much to overcome. Their dislike towards me and my family weighed down on her and caused us to split.

 

Prompt 88: A time you’ve been lucky

Miriam Webster’s four definitions of lucky are:

  1. :  having good luck

  2. 2:  happening by chance :  fortuitous

  3. 3:  producing or resulting in good by chance :  favorable

  4. 4:  seeming to bring good luck

What exactly is having good luck? The second definition seems a bit more plausible. I’ve often thought the difference between luck and being fortunate or as the second definition says fortuitous.

One of my favorite quotes is “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity” People often make their own luck. If you are prepared when opportunity presents itself luck will be more likely to come your way.

In my own life, I’ve been lucky and unlucky, or was in fortuitous? In my previous post, I discussed the amazing experiences I have been able to have in my life. Was I lucky, fortunate or was I prepared when the opportunity presented itself? A bit of all three is probably accurate.

 

From My Journals: A Lesson Learned and Insight I Gained

I am not sure where all the prompts I have in my journals come from. This is one I wrote probably sometime in fall 2015.

A lesson I learned and insight I gained was that I felt and acted at the time of my marriage I should not sacrifice my principles. 

Now I see that making your spouse, partner, feel loved, accepted, wanted, beautiful, talented and important. It has to work both ways, but in a relationship being selfless while still keeping a sense of self is a balance is important in every relationship.

Prompt 79: Who in your family tree are you named after and why? Who do you wish you were named after?

I am named after my great grandmother and great grandfather.

I am fine with being named after both of them. I never really liked my first name, but my middle name is ok. I neither love it or have strong feelings against it.

What I wish about who I was named after is that I knew more about them. My mom rarely talked about her paternal grandmother. Her maternal grandmother lived until I was about seven and I remember her myself.

She spoke much more often about her paternal grandfather than her paternal grandmother. I think she passed away a few years before I was born.

My middle name comes from my maternal, paternal grandfather. I know nothing about him other than he was 6’3. My father rarely ever talks about his family other than his upbringing with his brother and sister and parents.

My grandmother didn’t get along easily with people, was tough and wanted things her way. My understand is that she caused a falling out with my grandfather’s brother.

I don’t even know the names of my father’s other grandparents. He and my aunt often speak about that they had no toys growing up and the things that they didn’t have instead of what they did. My Uncle who is the middle child often disputed this.

My favorite show is Finding Your Roots on PBS. My oldest son also loves genealogy. I would love to somehow be able to do a family tree and figure out not only the names of who I was named after, but who they were, what they were about, what they did for a living.

I know that my grandfather moved to the USA when he was about somewhere between seven and 11. I know that both of my great grandparents that I am named from where not born in the US and not a whole lot more.

Hopefully, someday I will be able to learn more.

Prompt 78: The Scariest thing is realizing that you are slowly turning into your parents. What does that mean for you?

My parents have had a far less dramatic life with far more love in it from each other and emotional support from family than I have had. If we are referencing this in “scariest” terms there are a lot of things I hope to avoid.

Growing up my mom was one of the most patient, caring, understanding and empathetic people. She was very loving and kind. As she’s aged in many ways she has become her mother.

My mom was far more like my grandfather. My grandmother did not finish college, was judgemental and not very patient. My parents have been through a lot with me, but I feel emotionally abandoned by them.

My father has achieved on a high level his entire life. He has g-d give talents that very few people have. He does not have patience for those that are not high achievers. He is drawn to people in positions of authority and those that are highly successful in a multitude of ways.

I have had to learn through my own struggles as an adult to dislike an act, not a person, to not judge others that are different from us and to try to work with others, not against them.

I have always felt like an outsider in my own family. I have not seen my children for a very long time, but I hope to be able to see them and whoever becomes their partner as they age for the person they are and not their accomplishments.

I want to be there for the important people in my life no matter what. I have been put in a position to be alone. Most people only seem to care when life is either extremely good or bad.

How much to we truly love those close to us and reach out just because? My father has never really been good at being emotionally supportive. He is very guarded with his feelings.  So is my mom.

So is my mom. They likely keep things private. I am the opposite. I am very open with my feelings. I state how I feel and that seems to put many people off. The only way I truly hope to be like my parents as I age is to find someone special to share life with again and to hopefully be able to live comfortably enough to enjoy life.

I have learned that judging others different than us does no one any good.