Prompt 16: Write About a Goodbye you didn’t know was a last goodbye

This will likely be my most emotional post. After a nearly three-year battle I lost child custody.

I was outlasted and outspent until I lost custody. The day they were they were taken from me was supposed to last a week. They were taken for a week partly because of a verbal dispute I had with a school administrator.

She had stepped into the middle of the custody battle and exaggerated or lied about things regarding our children. I called her out on it and that was used against me. About a week later in court I continued to be upset with the progression of the case. The children’s attorney then extended to a month.

On the day the kids were better picked up, my son didn’t want to leave and asked me when he would see me again. At the time I told him it was only a week. My ex had the local police escort her to my house to pick up the children.

Almost losing my wife to an illness a devestating. I cried myself got sleep every night the first two months. Losing custody is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through in my life.

Ever since my parents brought my sister home from the hospital when I was 12 I wanted to be parent. By seventh grade I yearned for a girl and as I got older the attention of a woman.

When someone goes through a tragedy with a spouse, they are often told to be strong for their children. Its  often the children that bring the strength. We became each other’s Rock and hoped for the bes for their mom.

I have not seen our children in over a year. The last time I was in court her attorney was attempting to take away my paternal rights. I desperately Hope it wasn’t a final goodbye. Not having them in my life has been soul crushing.

Prompt 15: what piece of jewelry do you wear most often?

Write about why it’s your go-to-piece of jewelry. Where did you get it? What do you like about the way it looks on you? Why does it feel good to wear?

It has been many years since I have worn jewelry. The most recent being a Star of David charm on a necklace I wore and a watch. When it was. A tween and in my early teens I wore a sharks tooth necklace I got on vacation in Acapulco.

The Star of David was a gift. I’ve near worn jewelry to impress others, so thought about how it looks on me. The Star of David felt good to wear as it made me feel closer to my heritage.

I wore a watch as young as I can remember. I was obsessed with knowing what time it is. I wore watches up until I got a cell phone. Then I would joust check my cell phone to see what time it was.

I had fun with watches and particularly loved the swatch and fossil brands. I would frequently buy them at a local iconic department store. Having something had the appearance of looking cool. I am not sure I ever felt that way.

My sharks tooth or Italian horn as they were often called gave me a faux sense of strength. They look hip and i entered my pre-teens years a few years after Rocky was popular. I remember wearing the sharks tooth and thinking of Sylvester Stallone.

Prompt 14: Write about the imaginary friend you had, never had or wish you did.

From the time I was about 12 I dreamt of getting married and becoming a parent. I didn’t date match until I was 29 with the exception of a nearly three-month relationship when I was 20.

It wasn’t an imaginary friend that I wanted. It’s what I hoped and thought was real was what I yearned for. Before I met the mother of my children I slept with three pillows and held on to one as if I as embracing a woman.

I want(ed) to be in a loving relationship. One where we are always there for each other and raising a family together. Its something I think about to this day. The feeling of having a partner to go through life with, be loved by and to take care of and be taken of is powerful.

One of the most difficult things I’ve ever been told is that my ex thought I had access to more money. I’ve always imagined how my life would be, both during and when not in relationships.

We all have thoughts about how our lives we go. The saying is life happens when we are busy making other plans. I think about what I can do to be successful. This applies to relationships, a career, starting a business or how my children’s lives will turn out.

It’s not the imaginary friend I’ve had, haven’t had or wish I had, it’s wanting the life I am unlikely to ever have.

Prompt 13: Write about your voice. Do you think it suits you? Would you Change it if you could? How has it changed over the years?

My dream from the time I was 12 through at least my twenties was to work in radio. My voice would have been my instrument.

I have never liked my voice. I’ve always thought  it sounds whiny. I would very much like to change it. It especially sounded poor to me when I would try to practice play by-play.

Through circumstances I’ve only been on the radio twice, both in high school. Those were DJ type shows that I would play songs of my choice for 30 minutes.

with a squeaky and shiny self sounding voice, I’ve never felt like it suited me. I would like a deeper, more authoritative mature sounding voice.

My real dream was to go into sports broadcasting. I would have loved to have hosted a sports talk show or have done sports reporting. I am not sure how my voice has changed.

I talk a lot and recently my voice went hoarse and I didn’t know why. It only lasts a few days. I wish that I had a deeper and voice. A lot more would have had to happen for me to have been successful in radio, but a deeper voice might have helped.

At the very least maybe I would be more attractive to women.

Prompt 12: Describe an Accident You’ve Been in. Were you at fault? Who was? What Excuses Were Made? What Were the Lasting Consequences?

We all make mistakes in life and most of us are involved in accidents of some sort. Most accidents hopefully involve material things that’s can be replaced.

I tend to be absent-minded and mistake prone. Things often seem to happen to me that might not happen to others. I’ve been in numerous car accidents throughout his my life, lose things easily and seem to have things break.

Throughout my only term relationship this seemed to happen often. I spilled tea once on her laptop and lost her necklace that she had custom-made, I think overseas. When she was sick our daughter by accident broke a plate she had made with our son.

He got really upset with his sister. Although it cannot be replaced, a new one can be bought or made.

Accidents and mistakes can almost be used interchangeably as words. Things at are said decisions we make can cause far more long-term damage than an accident.

About 18 months into out relationship, my then girlfriend’s sister invited my entire family over for the holidays. Her was insulted my by brother’s wife which seemed to s off a family funded that might last for eternity.

It was followed about six months later (at which points were engaged) by my mother not attended a family function for my fiancé’s sister. This is the same sister who would begin to hold a grudge against my family and constantly make negative comments about them.

This caused a lot of consternation around the planning of our wedding how we should plan the birth of our first child and basically raise them in general and aunt other decisions we were to make seemingly had to go through her sister.

The biggest lasting damage it caused it that it put our children in the middle.

Prompt 11: You can Choose Any Previous Dream to Dream Again. Which One Do you Choose and Why?

This was a difficult one to choose and I needed a few days to contemplate this and think It over. There is not one specific dream I would choose, but an anthology of a few.

Many years ago, my wife became sick. She never completely recovered from her life threatening illness. After she was released from the hospital she chose living with her family over me and out children.

She filed for divorce and eventually got custody. During the course of her hospital stay I frequently had dreams that she was healthy. It was as if nothing had every happened.

Since losing custody have had some dreams with her healthy, some that things were much better between us and others where the family we created came first and we were all together.

Way more than wanting to dream this again every night. I wish it wa reality. My entire life my biggest goal, want and need was together married and start and raise children with a woman I love.

For many people there is a reason that are dreams are just that…some of us don’t get to realize our dreams and have them taken away by circumstance, other people a tragedy or for some all of the above.

My heart will remain broken for the remainder of my life and beyond.

 

Prompt Ten: What’s the First Time You Realized Adult Aren’t Always Totally Truthful

While I don’t remember how old I was when this happened, the first time I remember realizing adult aren’t totally truthful is when I saw my father on TV at a baseball game.

I was in grade school at the time this happened. No older than 11. The likelihood is that I realized this far younger, but this is the one I remember.

I was at home with my mom and brother, watching baseball on television. I remember saying to mom Dad is on TV. He was supposed to be somewhere else and I did not realize that. He was with my grandfather at a baseball game instead of wherever else he was supposed to be.

Not long after that, my mom used the grocery money to take my brother and I to a football game. This was her way of getting back at him. Its something that still makes me chuckle to this day.