Prompt 105: A time you’ve been ashamed of yourself

The time I was ashamed of myself was when I was arrested for trying to reason with a utility worker who came to my house.

One of our utilities was turned off. I thought my then wife had paid the bill and she thought I did. A woman came to our house to reinstate the utility. When she went to turn it back on, she said she was unable to do so.

I tried to reason with the woman. I closed the door to my house and asked the woman can’t we work this out. She called her dispatcher. I immediately opened the door and let her out.

I said some things I now regret. After calling her dispatcher, the police were notified. They came to my house and I was charged with keeping the woman against her will. The entire thing was 30 seconds.

It is something that changed the course of my life. My eventual conviction has kept me from finding work, played a major role in the end of my marriage and likely cost me custody of my children.

One 30 second mistake has influenced the remainder of my life. We all have things in our life we are embarrassed or ashamed of. Many or most don’t have to have it have a major impact on the rest of their life going forward.

I wish potential employers, romantic interests, and the court could look past my mistake. I regret it tremendously. I did not hurt anyone. I hope if someone commits the same mistake in the future they will not be judged as harshly as I was.

We often judge people based on a piece of paper. One action in our life should not define us as a person. We should be judged by the entire sum of our actions throughout our lifetime.

I hope that in the future this will be the case.

Prompt 23: How did the way your parents felt about their bodies or physicality affect you and how you feel about your body and physicality.

Working out and being in shape is probably the most important thing in my father’s life. He has always been confident in his own body and physicality.

Sports and staying in shape is and was extremely important to my father as well as my grandfather. He is a great athlete and has been active and involved in sports his entire life.

My mom works out and also comes from a family that likes sports. Staying active and being in shape wasn’t nearly as important to my maternal grandparents.

I’ve always felt comfortable about my body. Being active is important to me, but not like it is to my father and his siblings. He we often comments about my grandparents and my uncle being overweight. At times he would even make comments about my mom needing to lose weight.

My physicality is something I’ve never really been that confident in. I grew up as one of the shortest ones in my class and finished growing late. I was slight most of my life and now have an average build.

I’ve never had much of a physical presence. I’ve always been somewhat nondescript. was young, I was a good but not great athlete. My speed was my asset, not my physicality.

If I was as confident about my entire life as I was about my body I’d have a much better life.

Prompt 19: what I most want you to know about me is….

Finish this sentence and keep writing for ten minutes. DO NOT LOOK AHEAD

What I most want you to know about me is that I am still learning to get to know myself.

We are never to old to learn and evolve. How do we define ourselves? Can anyone person be truly be defined by one thing? No one is purely their job, their partner, their children, their hobbies etc.

My most important role is being a father. Unfortunately it was important to the siblings of my ex to discredit and make me look as horrible as they could. Her sisters, brother and brother in-law wanted me out of her life and the life of out children. And succeeded.

The most important things to me in others are loyalty, compassion, intelligence and awareness of current events and the world around them.

I have embarked on this journey of 642 to write about me to get to know myself and to reach out to others to who might have gone through similar life journeys.

Stop now write this for ten minutes and keep going. 

This was a lie here is what I really want you to know….I am a multi faceted person. I am a father, a brother, a son, a friend, a writer and a Messenger. I am compassionate, loving, loyal, moody, open with my feelings and emotional.

I have a strong need to appreciated, loved, wanted and needed. The feeling of connections os extremely important to me. I like to be connected to other people and like connecting others.

The advent of social media and blogging has created a powerful tool when used correctly and for good connects us to others like ourselves. Before the Internet the world was a much larger place and therefore many of us felt alone.

It allowed me to meet the mother of my children, to date when I didn’t before because of my anxiety, to connect to friends and colleagues. It helped me to not feel so alone.

 

Prompt 13: Write about your voice. Do you think it suits you? Would you Change it if you could? How has it changed over the years?

My dream from the time I was 12 through at least my twenties was to work in radio. My voice would have been my instrument.

I have never liked my voice. I’ve always thought  it sounds whiny. I would very much like to change it. It especially sounded poor to me when I would try to practice play by-play.

Through circumstances I’ve only been on the radio twice, both in high school. Those were DJ type shows that I would play songs of my choice for 30 minutes.

with a squeaky and shiny self sounding voice, I’ve never felt like it suited me. I would like a deeper, more authoritative mature sounding voice.

My real dream was to go into sports broadcasting. I would have loved to have hosted a sports talk show or have done sports reporting. I am not sure how my voice has changed.

I talk a lot and recently my voice went hoarse and I didn’t know why. It only lasts a few days. I wish that I had a deeper and voice. A lot more would have had to happen for me to have been successful in radio, but a deeper voice might have helped.

At the very least maybe I would be more attractive to women.